Satire: The Murder

This is in the form of a newspaper article, deriding the murder of the pawnbroker and his job of the crime.

Recently, someone has murdered our friendly neighborhood pawnbroker and that nice sister of hers. Although few of us will miss Alëna Ivanovna (and her sister, Lizaveta, really never said anything), it is a terrible thing that has happened. Worse of all, that terrible thing was done terribly.

Somebody around 7-7:30 (and someone who knew her, since there was no forced entry) entered her home and bashed her head with a large, heavy object. Now, why would somebody use such a messy weapon and be so cruel (this is before videotape, when you could at least show the murder to your friends). The weapon is believed to be large and dull, like a hammer or a chemistry textbook.

The murderer also did a poor job of looting the place. Her huge money chest and most of the pawned loot were left behind, and all that was stolen was her purse and a few goods. Obviously, this was either a sicko who loves to kill others or a drunkard, who is probably now waking up in a pool of his own vomit.

Last, the killer appeared to have trampled around in the victim's blood, which shows real prowess at this sort of thing. Hopefully, the police will follow the trail of blood back to the killer. (Of course, that means the police will actually have to get up and do something for a change, but...)

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